See me on a good hair day, and it probably means I spent about half my morning doing my hair. See me on a bad hair day, and the Jew-fro will shock you. Luckily for most people, they’ll see me on a decent hair day. This is mainly because I was blessed with common sense, and I’d like to think a bit of good taste. What never ceases to bewilder me is how some people, knowing they’ll be watched by over 2 billion people, can walk onto the glimmering green turf with the worst hairdos in the history of mankind (I’m looking at you, Ronaldo).
People don’t truly give bad hair the credit it deserves, so I’ll take the burden upon myself and open your eyes to how a multi million-dollar salary apparently can’t get you an appointment at a reputable barbershop.
I know being a footballer doesn’t necessarily mean being a fashion icon, yet when I have to stare at David Beckham’s abs for thirty seconds during the Superbowl, his questionable taste in underwear reminded me of his dubious taste in hair. I think I may have had this once done to me when I was about 5, and I was embarrassed. I didn’t practice Santeria, and knew the look had to go. There is a lot more bad hair to look at, so I’ll forgive Becks for his momentary crush on Legolas, his Gordon Ramsay phase and well, he practically predicted Neymar.
Bad hair isn’t solely restricted to those, like Beckham, who have spent countless hours in the hair salon of Edward Scissor Hands’ evil twin. There are those, like Messi, who fly home whenever they have a chance to sit in their mother’s kitchen as she puts a bowl to their head and snips away. Or Puyol, who has an acute case of sicosnipophobia (that’s a fear of scissors, thanks WikiAnswers!) David Villa occasionally sports the twelve-year-old spiky do-up, as does Piqué. Lesson to be learned? Guardiola apparently doesn’t care about looks.
I truly intended to bash on Ronaldo a bit more for his 2002 stint. He’s really had the worst luck with hair, and is living proof that a person can be exclusively surrounded by “yes men.” At least he steered clear of bleach. Really, when was bleach ever a good idea? I suppose every twelve year girl old had a crush on Nick Carter in the 90s, but most of the times giving your hair the same treatment I give my bathroom on a weekly basis is a BAD IDEA. I present you the evidence, going from bad, to worse. Carlos Valderrama, the living proof that Colombians are the least stylish Latinos. Alan Biley, the Farrah Fawcet of Everton. Bacary Sagna, who unfortunately never made it to his audition of Cool Runnings. The ENTIRE Romanian National Team in 98 (seriously, look at this picture. You can see the goalie thanking his Transylvanian soul for early onset balding.) And last, but not least, the man who has lost far too many bets, Abel Xavier.
Moral of the story today? Your hair doesn’t look as bad as you thought it did this morning. Oh, and women like men with money.
Written with cachaca soaked fingers by NextGame Nation Member and intern, Rebecca Fischer a.k.a Reba w/o a Cause.